The Rules

The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

The Rules book cover
Author	Ellen Fein Sherrie Schneider
Cover artist	Diane Luger
Country	United States
Language	English
Subject	Relationships, Dating
Genre	Self-help
Publisher	Grand Central Publishing, (Warner Books)
Publication date	1995-02-14
Media type	Print
Pages	192
ISBN	0-446-51813-1
OCLC	30915354
Dewey Decimal	646.7/7 20
LC Class	HQ801 .F44 1995
Followed by	The Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love By

The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right is a self-help book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, originally published in 1995.^[1][2]

The book suggests rules that a woman should follow in order to attract and marry the man of her dreams; these rules include that a woman should be "easy to be with but hard to get".^[3] The underlying philosophy of The Rules is that women should not aggressively pursue men, but rather ought to get the men to pursue them. A woman who follows The Rules is called a Rules Girl.^[2]

Reaction

The book generated much discussion upon its release. Some audiences considered it useful and motivational, while others felt that it was outdated,^[3] anti men and antifeminist,^[4] or a how-to guide that teaches women to play games that toy with men.^[5] Psychology lecturer and therapist Dr Meg-John Barker claims that the emergence of seduction communities happened "almost as a direct response to this hard-to-get femininity".^[6] Others noted that Fein was an accountant and Schneider a freelance journalist without professional qualification in the subject matter. Fein married and divorced, and has recently remarried. Schneider has been married for over 21 years. The authors admitted they were not professionals in an appearance on NBC's The Today Show.

They have countered the criticism regarding their credentials by citing the results of actually following The Rules,^[7] though there is no body of evidence to support this. Another criticism is that because The Rules advise rarely returning phone calls and other such hard-to-get dating methods, some men may have trouble telling the difference between a woman who is genuinely not interested (or not interested anymore) and one who is genuinely interested, thus leading to misunderstandings and stalkers; not only for women using The Rules, but any man who believes all women are playing similar games even when they are not.

Proponents of the methods offered in the book point to The Rules as having positive results for both men and women. They represent the point of view that men enjoy being the aggressor and are inspired to treat women better who choose behaviors which set up boundaries and slow down the courtship process.^[8] Advocates also elucidate that a woman making herself easily available to men may increase her chances of being unconsciously or unscrupulously taken advantage of or abused. By applying a deliberate approach to relationships, Rules champions suggest, a woman has the time and space to discover and reflect upon the character and actions of a man she is dating. Feminist values, they point out, do not preclude reacting with temperance and emotional independence to an initial attraction (on the part of a woman). They also cite that discipline and consideration inform the actions which create egalitarian relationships.^[9]

Subsequent books

The book was followed by The Rules II, The Rules for Marriage, The Rules for Online Dating, and All the Rules. In The Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love By, published in 1997, Fein and Schneider proclaim, "If he doesn't call, he's not that interested. Period!" (p. 60). In 2001 the follow-up book The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work was released in the midst of Fein's legal separation from her husband to whom she had been married for sixteen years.^[10] Fein commented on her divorce by saying that she had "married the right man" for her at that stage in her life. Her argument was that after having written a best seller and raising two children, she and her husband discovered they were two different people from the young couple that fell in love. Fein married for the second time in 2008; she had followed The Rules to attract her second husband, with the exception that they dated for three years rather than one (as “The Rules” advises) before becoming engaged.^[11]

1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other"
2. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
3. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
4. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
5. Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
6. Always End Phone Calls First
7. Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
9. How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
10. How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
11. Always End the Date First
12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
15. Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
17. Let Him Take the Lead
18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
20. Be Honest but Mysterious
21. Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads
22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
23. Don't Date a Married Man
24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children
25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
26. Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts
28. Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
29. Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
30. Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
31. Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
32. Don't Break The Rules
33. Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
34. Love Only Those Who Love You
35. Be Easy to Live With

References