|Joanna Yardley Clore,|
formerly Twat, née Pearson
|First appearance||Caroline's First Day|
|Last appearance||The Special|
|Portrayed by||Pippa Haywood|
|Occupation||Director of Human Resources|
Joanna Clore is the director of human resources at East Hampton Hospital. She is 48 years old, has had two unsuccessful marriages, has two sons who both work at the hospital Dr. Guy Secretan and Dr. Martin Dear, and has also been in some sort of relationship with Dr. Alan Statham for some time.
However, their relationship has had numerous problems. Joanna once fell in love with Lyndon Jones, but he showed no interest in her. After leaving him, she discovered that Alan had become a Christian, and thus had to win him over again, which she did. At the end of the second series, however, their relationship is at a low point.
At the age of 15, she travelled to Gstaad, Switzerland as an exchange student, where she met and slept with a skiing instructor, Fabien Leclerq. From this tryst, Guy was born, but she abandoned him after only two days. She later got married to Donald Twat (now a newsagent) and gave birth to Martin, but they divorced and Joanna changed Martin's surname so Donald would be more difficult to find. Joanna got married again, but later divorced.
Joanna is rather bitter about life and, because so, frequently abuses her staff, Harriet Schulenburg, Karen Ball, Naughty Rachel and Kim Alabaster. Obsessed with her age, she has tried everything to make herself look young, even using botox. She is so secretive about her age that she forbids Martin from telling anyone that she is his mother, thus preventing others from determining how old she really is. She also trims her nasal hair, dyes her hair, wears large amounts of facial cream, and sometimes tries to get tans by lying under the heating lamps in the canteen. She also has problems with her eyesight, but tries to avoid wearing glasses as she is then able to see her wrinkles.
The biggest crisis that she has ever gone through was sleeping with Guy, totally unaware that he was the son that she abandoned in Switzerland. She has since tried to undergo therapy with Jake Leaf, the complementary therapist, but it has not helped that much. However, a major crisis came when she tried to scare Alan using her dwarf cousin, and Alan beat him to death with a stuffed heron. This is probably followed by waking up in the bed of a teenage boy who had just turned sixteen the previous day. She was so worried, that she ended up hiding in Alan's cupboard, but they soon started to celebrate when she heard from Alan that the police were treating her cousin's death as suicide. The joy was short-lived however when the police arrived, so she and Alan steal a camper van, unaware that Martin had come on board to see what was going on. Alan almost ended up driving the camper van over a cliff, where Martin was in a similar accident before. However, Martin called the AA on his mobile and they were rescued.
Alan and Joanna then went on the run to hide from the police, forced into stealing food, and kill three more people whilst they escape the police. Joanna reverses the camper van into a mechanic, Alan sits on a shopkeepers face and suffocates her, and Joanna rubs peanut butter into the face of an arresting policeman with a nut allergy. Whilst Alan tries to fix the van so it runs on alcohol, the van explodes. Alan and Joanna then decide that as they do not wish to hand themselves in or move to Spain (because Alan dislikes the Spanish), they kill themselves by walking naked into the sea, although they are not seen drowning.
In her spare time, she often goes to restaurants, sometimes with Alan. She can also be seen at the nearby bar, often drinking double vodkas. Joanna has tried to give up smoking, even going as far as to cover almost all of her body in nicotine patches, but has failed. She keeps a dead goldfish in her office because it makes her feel better. She also like to relax by giving herself a coffee enema, and she drives a black BMW 328i SE.
For a long time now, Alan and Joanna have been in a 'clandestine' relationship, and for an equally long time, everyone in the hospital has known about it. This has not stopped them from continuing their relationship as if it were secret. They often dine out, play games and Alan even has names for certain parts of Joanna's body. He calls her breasts "Mimi" and "Charlotte", and also calls Joanna's vagina "The growler".
When Joanna starts to fancy Lyndon, Alan tries various ways to stop him. However, he fails. At one point, Alan thought that Joanna was pregnant with his child. When Joanna both tells him that not only is she not pregnant, but is also dumping Alan, he is driven almost mad. He even ends up stealing a milk float.
Alan finds religion a comfort and becomes a Christian. When Joanna is rejected by Lyndon, however, she soon tries reuniting with Alan and is disappointed that he is not missing her very much (he has found Jesus). Later, they drift apart, and Joanna once again tries to see if she can get Lyndon to go out with her, but fails. Alan tried to get his own back by unleashing a box of flies in her office, but due to a mistake on a taped message to her, Joanna sent it back and the flies were released in his office.
During a period when Alan was unusually happy, Joanna tried to make him upset again by getting her cousin, who was a dwarf, to paint himself green, hide behind Alan's desk, jump out, and scare him. However, Alan was so scared; he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. Although the incident got them into trouble, it has also brought them together. Joanna even had sex with him, whilst she hid in a cupboard by drilling a hole in it. When the police arrive at the hospital, Alan and Joanna go on the run and steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son Martin was in it as well. They soon find themselves teetering over the edge of a cliff in Wales, but are rescued. Alan and Joanna then dump Martin and go on the run, still killing people as they go. They then decided to kill themselves by walking naked, hand in hand, into the sea.
The HR staff (Harriet, Karen, Kim and Rachel)
Joanna does not get on well with the staff, or anyone else for that matter. She is often at odds with them, normally when they try to steal office equipment, or when they play their rather odd games.
Harriet is probably the most troublesome, not just because her children get in the way of her work, but because Lyndon finds her attractive.
These are a few notes Joanna has given to her staff, as listed in Green Wing - The Complete First Series Scripts:
- "Harriet, one of your children called (no idea which one), he's trapped in something. Down a well? Hard to tell - poor signal, screaming etc. You can call them at lunchtime but NOT before."
- "Harriet, health and safety need you to erect a screen around your desk - your face is irritating other members of staff (me)."
- "Harriet, I found this in the photocopier. Is it your womb?
- "Karen, no I can NOT remove the words "Depressing wanker" from your annual review. See me."
- "Karen, no, there was nothing missing from my e-mail. "Karen - just a couple of tiny points", was a physical description."
- "Kim, zoo contacted me about the hospital sponsoring an animal. Find out if we can sponsor the Ebola virus."
- "Kim, report car stolen. (Caught speeding on way here and don't want to pay fine.) Then move car to the usual place, but make sure no-one sees you. Bring me backa a Frappe latte, Fruit pastilles and Pepto-Bismol."
- "Rachel, LEAVE YOUR HAIR ALONE - you're not Jennifer fucking Aniston. Please tell me you don't use L'Oréal, I can't think of anyone less worth it. (Except Karen, obviously.)"
- "Rachel, return my wet wipes. Only the unused ones this time."
- "Rachel, do not yodel whilst I'm in my office."
Joanna's youngest son is a constant pain for her. Due to her worrying about her age, she refuses to let Martin tell anyone that they are mother and son, because everyone will know how old she really is.
It is known that Joanna was not a good mother. She did not do the things that Martin most needed, such as "Making my packed lunches" and "Making that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween". Joanna also purposely makes it difficult for him to locate his father, Donald Twat. This was done by changing Martin's surname and moving away.
Martin still wishes that Joanna will love him, and tries to talk to her, often failing. He even manages to stow away on the camper van that Alan and Joanna steal. When the van is teetering over the edge of the cliff, Martin calls the AA and rescues them. They soon dump Martin and go on the run, but do send him a postcard.
Guy previously had very little to do with Joanna because he considered her to be too old for him. It is only after making a bet with Mac that takes her back to his flat and has sex with her. Unfortunately a letter he received earlier (which Martin steals and opens before Guy could see it) confirms that Guy is actually Joanna's biological and long-lost son, leading to Guy losing all sanity and joyriding an ambulance with Mac and Martin in it.
Afterwards, they try to avoid each other, but Joanna has to be present at Guy's tribunal. During the tribunal, Guy mentions that "On the plus side, I should be getting my Noel Coward style dressing gown back", a remark which makes Joanna bang her head on the table in distress. He also frequently makes freudian slips whenever he has to encounter her after the incident.
Joanna and Sue fight their own little war between which of them is superior, particularly in the area of who does what in the hospital.
Their biggest scrap took place when a documentary crew came to film the hospital. Sue wanted to be in charge, but it was Joanna who took charge. When Sue managed to discover a tape of Joanna and Guy having sex, she used it as blackmail to put her in charge of the project, and forced Joanna to make her fly around the office.
They do, however, bond over the idea of scaring Alan and it suggests that they do get on at times to some degree and their annoyance with one another is just a power struggle.
Joanna finds Lyndon incredibly attractive, but he cannot stand her. She still persists however in pursuing him. She even goes over to his office wearing nothing but a fur coat. During the charity slave auction Joanna bought Lyndon for £500, but during the night Lyndon made it clear that he found Joanna, "Disturbing, tedious and desperate".
Despite this, Joanna still feels attracted to him and once encountered him in the car park. He got out of the date by saying that he was going out with Harriet. After he was dumped by Harriet, Joanna tried again, but Lyndon lied to her and said he was gay. Joanna managed to get her own back by making him kiss Jake Leaf.
Joanna often has problems with Boyce, worried that he might expose her relationship with Alan.
She has very few dealings with Mac, although she did once mock his hair. She was also the first person to guide Dr. Caroline Todd around the hospital (Joanna refers to her as, "The ragamuffin one"). During one visit to her office, Alan called up to tease Joanna about having a sexual relationship with Caroline. As the speakerphone was on, Joanna and Caroline heard every word and knew he was lying. Also there was Charles Robertson, the CEO of the hospital, who she meets often.
Not much is known about her former husbands, except that her first, Donald, is a newsagent. Very little is known about Fabian Leclerq, Guy's father also.
Her surname is presumably a play on the word "claw", implying that she often gets her "claws" into men.
Doon Mackichan played Joanna in the unaired pilot, and was meant to play her in the original series. However, she left because she had a baby.
- Boosey, Mark (2007-01-22). "Green Wing News". British Sitcom Guide. Retrieved 2007-05-23.